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Tye

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Its scary that I used to believe this [May. 19th, 2005|03:35 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |Triumphant]

It is sick that I used to actually believe this stuff :

http://butterflywings1985.tripod.com/anamia/id15.html
http://butterflywings1985.tripod.com/anamia/id19.html
http://butterflywings1985.tripod.com/anamia/id4.html
http://butterflywings1985.tripod.com/anamia/id13.html

I have come a long way I can actually say...I AM NO LONGER A ANA/MIA
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2005|06:04 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]

Dancing barefoot on shattered glass
Face carved of marbled stone
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2005|10:58 am]
Tye
[Current Mood |Lathargic]
[Current Music |Super Girl]

I had a rough day yesterday. I was at the library all prepared to get some work done. I was having a good time chatting online with some buddies of mine, along with my girlfriend, and all of a sudden I had a panic attack. This was unlike any panic attack I have had in my life. The room that I was in seemed tiny. I was seeing double, the faces were indiscernible, and everything was moving fast. I couldn’t seem to get my energy up to walk. I was physically frozen where I was for a while, before I was able to move.

When I finally got the motivation up to move, I ran to the bathroom. I vaguely remember someone asking me if I was ok. I think I had fallen down and not moved. So they had kicked me and asked me if was alright. This I am not sure about though. I cant quite remember. I spent about 21/2 hours in the bathroom before I was calm enough to come out. The computer I had been using no one had touched…Heidi was still logged on. She then told me to call her collect, and I did. We talked for a while before I left to meet my parents. My parents think that I am having more frequent panic attacks due to not being on any medication. They are probably right.
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2005|03:18 pm]
Tye
This bdsm stuff is so much more in depth then I would have thought it to be. Adam recently agreed to ‘show me the ropes’ so to speak. I apologized to him for asking him a while ago for casual help. I feel so ashamed that I had done that. I last night asked him formally. Apparently people take the online stuff very seriously as well. I find that really interesting. It is really fascinating that they do because the internet seems so causal to me. It is a lot more dangerous than I have made it out to be as well. A friend of mine was spanked fairly hard last night from a guy that they met online. It wasn’t a planned thing. They were supposed to just have a couple of beers and talk about bdsm together, but it ended up with her being punished. It wasn’t like a consenting thing from what my friend made it out to be, and I think that I am really getting into something that I have to be very careful with.
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2005|11:41 am]
Tye
SM vs. Abuse

SM:
An SM scene is a controlled situation.
Abuse:
Abuse is an out-of-control situation.

SM:
Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene.
Abuse:
One person determines what will happen.

SM:
Knowledgable consent is given to the scene by all parties.
Abuse:
No consent is asked for or given.

SM:
The "bottom" has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons.
Abuse:
The person being abused cannot stop what is happenning.

SM:
Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others.
Abuse:
No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.

SM:
The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene.
Abuse:
Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.

SM:
After an SM scene, the people involved feel good.
Abuse:
After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad.
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2005|09:28 am]
Tye
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |Bon Jovi]

Heidi and I were talking last night about getting aparments and she wanted to know about how I felt about moving to torrington CT. It is about 2 hours from Northampton. I never really considered the idea until now. Yes I have toyed with the idea of moving to another state figurativly, but not really. I am way past due to move out of my parents house, but the idea of actully leaving them is scary. I am going to admit something that I never really thought I would say, and I would say taht I am a mamas boy. Iam really dependent upon them for a lot of things, and I am now an ‘adult’ ((whatever that means) I dont thingk that age really has anything to do with much at all. People develope at different speeds. For intance when I was 16 I felt that I was 24 in some aspects of my life. Also my sister christina is 22(?)and we act 12 togather sometimes. I dont think that age is of much seggnificance. Some my argue taht it does, and taht age has all to do with everything. some might say that you grow up as your years hit you. I would repond to them, I have seen more things then alot of 50 year old dont know shit about. I have been through what most people will never go through. Does taht experience have anything to do with age? Nope not at all. It is what ever life, god, whatever choses to throw at an individule. The true determinator of age is what we do with what is thrown at us). it is my resposiblity to take my life by the balls and charge forward (cliched, I know). I truthfully am scared about moving, especially so far away! I would be moving away form almost everything that I love and cherish and know. It is a scary idea.

Ok the weirdest thing just happened to me. I was laying in bed and I was thinking about bdsm and about how to be a dom/me, and I was seeing images and hearing thoughts that werent my own. Before you cart me off to the lunie bin for saying that let me finish my story. It was as though two different currents were flowing through my mind. As if two layers of clowds. Their were my clear distict thoughts that I was having, but through kind of a sheet, almost a filmy screan were these other thoughts and images. The images were disterbing and that of self-mutilated arms and crushed in faces. I was kind of freaked out thinking taht I was going crazy or something, so I called Heidi to talk with her. She said, appently jokingly, that I was sounding sycotic. I told her that the thoughts taht I was not having werent my own. She asked my to explain to her what I ment. I tried my best, and she asked me what I was hearing. I told her the phrases that popped into my head such as “we need to leave this place”. The thoughts and images that I was having were very fast and disregulated as well as scattered. It was like the blurr one feels on a spinnything at a fair. All the thoughts were melting togather only some making sence. She was saying that I was hearing her thoughts. We were talking more about it, and we discovered later on that she has weird thoughts. We got a kick out of that. Then I asked her why shw was thinking about cockroaches, one of the images and word thoughts that I had heard. She was really surprised by me saying that because she had just been thinking abou them. What it came down to was taht we decieded that I was feeling other peoples thoughts, and that she did all the time. She said that she has a habit of projecting thoughts and images onto others. I guess so my love!! It is kind of scary to hear others thoughts when you cant control the ones that you hear, nor can you change them.
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2005|04:12 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |Panicky]

TOTAL PANIC TWEAK!!!!!!!!!!

I went to class today, and one of the workshoping peices was about abuse and addictions. I am stiing her shaking having a full blown panic attack, and no one to talk to. I cant talk to anyone becasue I dont trust anyone around. I feel so scared and helpless right now. Why cant I be prepared for it when it comes. Why do I have to have fucking panic attacks. I feel so small right now. I feel as though I have just had someone come and scare me, and shake the shit out of me. I am so paniced right now. *Sits in corner and curls self into ball*
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2005|08:28 am]
Tye
Never force her to their knees, inspire her to place herself there.

No offence to the men out there is meant...well, only a little:

Men are like grapes...it takes a woman to come along and stomp the shit out of them to make them something suitable to have dinner with.
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(no subject) [May. 11th, 2005|08:05 am]
Tye
[Current Mood |curiouscurious]
[Current Music |I feel like a Woman - Shanya Twain]

I have had an interesting few days. I feel rally bad not being able to update. I suppose that I shouldn’t though. I have been hanging out with Heidi. We had a good time meeting her parents and family. I say that it was a good meeting, but having a good time might be going a little far. Heidi says her family is crazy. I can sort of see where she comes from in terms of that, but at the same time I am fairly curious. I did not hear her grandmother yelling at the kids like I was expecting, but I was offered to be helped in the bathroom by her grandfather. A little perverse, but oh well... it made me giggle. Meeting her parents was an experience. We got there about 15 minutes early, and we drove around for a while just waiting for it to be 530. Then when we were waiting in the car we weren’t talking. It was a weird silence. When she introduced me to her parents it was interesting because I noticed an abrupt shift in Heidi. She slumped in a way that she never does around anyone else. We sat down to supper and she always lets her parents have the last word. Now if anyone knows Heidi, she does not have the last word, ever. She hardly ate anything at all at dinner. She never touched me once. (Not even that causal touching someone masked as helping someone out of the booth at the restaurant. I could tell that her parents held a power over her that no one else has. She behaved as if she was 12. Not an immature thing, she was just acting childish. I have never seen her act this way before, and it made me feel so sad. I know why she acts that way, and it took all of my strength to not comment on why she was acting that way. Sitting in front of that man, knowing that he had done what he did to my baby was hard for me. Even though she had said that she forgave him, and I should too, I couldn’t. He doesn’t see what goes on in the life of Heidi in reaction to what he did. Knowing what I know it was very hard for me to come out with the way that I behaved. I hope that I didn’t give my self away. I hardly said a word though dinner, I wonder if anyone noticed? Other then my preconceived notations of them, I might say I like them.
Me and Heidi sort of ignored the fight that we were having, and I am worried that it will come out at some point really badly if we really don’t sit down and talk about it. We talked about the issue around the prompting issue and some other issue that came up, including that I don’t feel attractive around her anymore. We talked about those. I think that we really need to talk more about the other things, but our communication was fairly good this weekend compared to what it has shifted to recently. I don’t know why we really haven’t been able to talk much apart from this weekend; however getting together was a really good thing. I had so much fun. She had rented a car, just to see me, it was so sweet. We were able to communicate about how she felt insignificant in my life. It hurt me so much for her to say that. She has no idea what she means to me, and I don’t know how to show it. I wish there were some words for it, but there are not. She means the world to me, and she questions that...ouch. Baby I love you more than the budding leaves in spring.
I have been talking to other bdsm people online, and it is really great. I really want to learn more about bdsm. The site collarme.com is apparently the largest bdsm community site in the world. It is a site to talk to other people about bdsm and the lifestyle. I came up with kind of an interesting name leatherylace. It makes sense to me, but I don’t know about to others. I asked a few interesting questions that I will show some of the reactions that I get from people when they come.
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(no subject) [May. 5th, 2005|04:03 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |distresseddistressed]
[Current Music |I addicted to you - Chicago]

Ah my world is coming to an end. I have lost the one I love, and my friends are being comitted. A close friend of mine got commited to ART at providence today. She tried to kill herslef last night. I talked to her last night, and I didnt know. SHe hadnt told me that she was that desperate. i feel so resonsible for her trying to kill herself. AHHHHHHHHHH Why does life have to be so FUCKING COMPLICATED? Why cant we all get along, and everyone be fine?!!!!

On my end. Ive been crying at a drop of a hat, and I have been so depressed. Why do I have to lose somone I love just because I am so stubbern when I am setting my limits. I am trying desperatly to see where they are coming from. I have talked to alot of people about it, and I just keep being validated in my belifes. WHy cant I talk to someone who understand where they are coming from? I want to understand, I really do. It is so frustrating and I am so confused and upset. Am I doing the right thing in sticking to my values, and not permiting people around me to have cocaine in their life. Yes it is there life, i know, but I cant stand to have that energy in my life. I think that I have set my limits, but I am paying for it hugly. Are my limits and my values so important to me that I have to lose a relationship. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
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