||[May. 11th, 2005|08:05 am]
|||||I feel like a Woman - Shanya Twain||]|
I have had an interesting few days. I feel rally bad not being able to update. I suppose that I shouldn’t though. I have been hanging out with Heidi. We had a good time meeting her parents and family. I say that it was a good meeting, but having a good time might be going a little far. Heidi says her family is crazy. I can sort of see where she comes from in terms of that, but at the same time I am fairly curious. I did not hear her grandmother yelling at the kids like I was expecting, but I was offered to be helped in the bathroom by her grandfather. A little perverse, but oh well... it made me giggle. Meeting her parents was an experience. We got there about 15 minutes early, and we drove around for a while just waiting for it to be 530. Then when we were waiting in the car we weren’t talking. It was a weird silence. When she introduced me to her parents it was interesting because I noticed an abrupt shift in Heidi. She slumped in a way that she never does around anyone else. We sat down to supper and she always lets her parents have the last word. Now if anyone knows Heidi, she does not have the last word, ever. She hardly ate anything at all at dinner. She never touched me once. (Not even that causal touching someone masked as helping someone out of the booth at the restaurant. I could tell that her parents held a power over her that no one else has. She behaved as if she was 12. Not an immature thing, she was just acting childish. I have never seen her act this way before, and it made me feel so sad. I know why she acts that way, and it took all of my strength to not comment on why she was acting that way. Sitting in front of that man, knowing that he had done what he did to my baby was hard for me. Even though she had said that she forgave him, and I should too, I couldn’t. He doesn’t see what goes on in the life of Heidi in reaction to what he did. Knowing what I know it was very hard for me to come out with the way that I behaved. I hope that I didn’t give my self away. I hardly said a word though dinner, I wonder if anyone noticed? Other then my preconceived notations of them, I might say I like them.
Me and Heidi sort of ignored the fight that we were having, and I am worried that it will come out at some point really badly if we really don’t sit down and talk about it. We talked about the issue around the prompting issue and some other issue that came up, including that I don’t feel attractive around her anymore. We talked about those. I think that we really need to talk more about the other things, but our communication was fairly good this weekend compared to what it has shifted to recently. I don’t know why we really haven’t been able to talk much apart from this weekend; however getting together was a really good thing. I had so much fun. She had rented a car, just to see me, it was so sweet. We were able to communicate about how she felt insignificant in my life. It hurt me so much for her to say that. She has no idea what she means to me, and I don’t know how to show it. I wish there were some words for it, but there are not. She means the world to me, and she questions that...ouch. Baby I love you more than the budding leaves in spring.
I have been talking to other bdsm people online, and it is really great. I really want to learn more about bdsm. The site collarme.com is apparently the largest bdsm community site in the world. It is a site to talk to other people about bdsm and the lifestyle. I came up with kind of an interesting name leatherylace. It makes sense to me, but I don’t know about to others. I asked a few interesting questions that I will show some of the reactions that I get from people when they come.