||[Jun. 13th, 2005|02:23 pm]
|||||black eyed peas||]|
My uncle Gerry hit o me. It was about 3am and we were drinking heavily. I don’t think that I have ever been so drunk in my life. I think I had about 17 beers. BEER!!!! I don’t even drink beer normally. I was downing beers like it was water. I would drink them without taking a breath. I was impressed about how fast I could slam them back. Ok a little tip for everyone, slamming back booze makes you very drunk very fast. Any way, I was so drunk that the world was spinning. Me and Gerry were both shitfaced. I lay on the ground because I was dizzy. And next thing I knew Uncle Gerry was spooning with me and saying that I was a dyke because I have never fully experienced a man. I felt his erection on my backside and I was so drunk there was nothing I could do. He was grinding against me and saying stuff like ‘don’t you want my cock deep inside of you’. I was so drunk that all I could do was say no, stop. He stopped after a while, but I was so worried that he wouldn’t.
Ok just a note: perkiset, alcohol and pot don’t mix when taken together.
Heidi is still in the hospital. I am out of respite, and I am still so destructive. I want to be somewhere safe. I am feeling a little safer, and I am going to do the partial hospitalization program. That will be really good. I am excited about that. Anyway, have you ever know someone is a soul mate of yours and you know that you cant be with them…let me tell you it hurts. It is killing me.
Graduation was good. I wore my wig and it was fun I had a good time. I got to smack wataru. Yeah. I am no longer in high school. WEEEE!
Susan thinks the state failed me by putting me in home with two moms. She says that doing so threw another issue into the mix, and made thing more difficult for me, and messed me up more then I already was. The thing that I think she is missing is that they are the best thing that ever happened to me. They have been there for me when others would have turned their backs on me. They are amazing and I owe who I am to them.
I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I hear voices that are not my own. Not to sound psychotic. I talked to my therapist and My physiatrist and they both said that it was just me experiencing my thought differently then I every have before. I hear word and phrases in my head that are from another source then my own thoughts. I hear a hissing voice mainly telling me how bad I am. Also I hear this soft crying voice as well pleading for me to rethink my choices. Whatever that means.