||[Jun. 7th, 2005|02:50 pm]
|||||Black Eyed Peas||]|
I am tired of feeling this way. For a while now all I can think about is hurting or killing myself. It feels to me that no one seems to understand what I am feeling. I am at respite right now and I think that I need something more. I hid razors so that I could kill myself if I needed to. I eventually handed them in, but I really didn’t want to. I want to get better I want to believe that these feelings are just feelings and that they will go away.
I see myself as a failure in life. I can’t seem to do anything right. I lost my major relationship and feel that I will never be able to open up to someone like that again. I feel destined to be alone. My best friend is getting into a new relationship and I am jealous. Not that she is getting into a relationship; it is that now I don’t have her affection. Blech.
I did a silly thing and tried to call Heidi today. She was in a meeting when I called. I kind of am thankful for that because I was really worried about her reaction of me calling. I left a message, and I hope that she calls me. All I want to do is to hear her voice. Is that pathetic? Why the hell did I have to fall in love in the first place? Things are so much less complicated!!!
I am going to try and commit myself to getting better. If I do I will be able to get a job in Nicaragua for a year starting in September. Nicaragua changed my life drastically and I think that it could do good things for me again. I will remove myself from this environment and bring myself to one that I know is wonderful. But I have to get better first.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS/IS SUPPORTING ME. I APPREIATE IT MORE THEN ANYONE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!