||[Jun. 5th, 2005|10:46 am]
I never thought that i could feel so heartbroken. I am in so much pain that I cant even fathem. I cant even explain what I am feeling. It feels as though someone has tied me up cut my heart out with a dull butterknife, pureed it like tapnad and fed back to me, and being expected not to choke on it.
I broke up with Heidi. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. People might think that it sounds dramatic but it is true. I cant even express what it was like to sit there at the hospital and try to explain to her why we couldnt be togather. i have never broken up with someone before heidi and I hope to never again. The way that your mouth goes dry and your eyes dont see srait, where your heart speeds up to 200 bpm, the will that you have to use not to let the person see you cry.
The day taht I came back from the hospital, I didnt know what I was doing. I couldnt stop myslef. My feet were pedleing my kbike and i had no clue where they were taking me. i saw myslef buy a razor, and i put it in my pocket. i walk ed along the railraod tracks feeling lost and not knowing where I was. I then found some frineds from divas on the tracks and we all sat and had irish beer togather. It was a dream. When we departed I had had 3 beers and was still almost dissocaitive if you could call it that. i cut my wrist very badly. I cut it the long way, and hit an artry and I partially severed a tenden. (if it doesnt heal in 10 days I have to have surgery). I went to es and they called an ambulance. Patric one of the assholes who works there, just looked at me and said 'this is getting old' Come on you dont say that to someone when they are bleeding and have naught a clue what to say or do, or even how to exist. I went in the amblulace with two woman wh oi had met beofre. We had had a long converstaion at starbucks about the test for the emt and medic and stuff of the sort. i was embarressed but they were the only people who treated me with respect through the process. They sent me to respite. I am not sure if I can keep myself safe.
Lately I cant seem to live without drama. If it is not the drama of myslef it is the drama of my friends or something else entirly.
Let me scream till i cant take another breath
Let me cry until i cant shed another tear
Let me cut till I cant bleed another drop