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Oh my god I am freaking out. I have been holding things in for a week… - Tye [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[May. 22nd, 2005|01:58 pm]
[Current Mood |Panicky and upset]
[Current Music |The sound of my puking]

Oh my god I am freaking out. I have been holding things in for a week now, and everything is exploding. I just bit my knuckles to the point of bleeding about an hour ago. I really didn’t realize that I had been doing it until I looked at my hand and I saw blood., I am feeling so alone right now. I feel like such a failure. At everything. Nothing I do seems to be right everyone is constantly angry or annoyed t me. Even the woman I work for was frustrated with me today. I had accidentally combined her dead mother’s clothes with her clothes, and she freaked out at me. How was I supposed to know she didn’t tell me not to when I was cleaning her room? I feel so unappreciated by almost everyone in my life. I am being treated like a child at home. I am constantly upset. I have been trying to tell people for a bout a week that I have not been doing well. I even wrote a poem that was trying to let people know what was going on. The one about dancing on broken glass. I don’t know how else to tell anyone. I feel that if I tell someone they will dismiss me or get mad at me. It is the pattern with everyone these days. I am so overly sensitive right now. nI will find myself doing something and have no idea what I am doing. Or when I started. I cant remember what I said 3 minutes before. I constantly want tot cry. Every one around me is falling apart, and those who aren’t seem to be bound and determined to make me feel bad. I don’t know if this is the way ht I ma perceiving things, or if its true. I am just SOOO not ok right now. I feel like telling people will burden them. I actually told someone today and I felt so invalidated. I want to scream right now. They got frustrated at me because I didn’t tell them sooner. I feel that I needed condolence for telling someone rather then criticism and frustration. Icky I just came back form the bathroom from throwing up because I am feeling so upset. It has been so long since I have involuntarily thrown up because I was upset. I haven’t slept well for I don’t know how long. Then my parents go and decide that I don’t need more sleep when I hardly have any, and they wake me up. Ever since my panic attacks the umass library I have been in another round of fitful nightmares. I feel so lost. I cant see my girlfriend because my parents think she is a ‘bad influence’ and they don’t want to ‘condone an unhealthy relationship’. Why do they have to be so fucking judgmental. It is just not fair. I don’t judge their relationship. What is so unhealthy about me wanting to see my love? I love her so much and I haven’t been able to see her in something like 3 weeks. Then I get upset with my mom for attacking my relationship that she tells me to shut up. Yes, she told me to shut up. That I was being immature and that I needed to grow up and take some responsibility for my life. What the hell. I am trying so hard to please everyone and be a good person, but no one is seeing my efforts. The only way that I can handle these emotions right now is to think of myself as a slave and tell myself that I deserve what people give me. And now the scary thing is that I am starting believe that I am just a major fuck up who cant do anything right or make anyone happy anymore. I feel so unlovable right now. All I want to be is held by my girlfriend and hear her tell me that she loves me. I want to hear form someone that I am an ok person and these things will get better.

[User Picture]From: bichick126
2005-05-22 03:09 pm (UTC)

I love you babes,
If you ever need to talk don't hesitate to call me. I am here for you...that's what friends do, they listen and help each other.
You have helped me so much...and i am so greatful for that...you let me use your shoulder to cry on, you are not just an ok person, you are a wonderful person, who trys to help everyone...that's why i love you babes. You are my bestfriend in the whole wide world, and i honestly don't know what would happen if i never knew you.
Things will get better..once you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up.
Kill 'em with kindness...
love 'em till they're dead
be there for the ones you love
dont let them do bad things onto themselves...

I love you so much, you are my inspiration....not to hurt myslef, but to help myself and others...i have you to thank for that......
call me whenever
i love you,
~Chrissy~ @};-
(Reply) (Thread)
From: roxyinminord
2005-05-26 07:31 am (UTC)
Hun, if you need to get out just call me, I live in springfield but thats not an issue im up there all the time - call my cell 531 3520 and just let me know what i can do to help - ive snuck more than one person around to see their partners

*kisses* Mischa
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