||[May. 22nd, 2005|01:58 pm]
|||||Panicky and upset||]|
|||||The sound of my puking||]|
Oh my god I am freaking out. I have been holding things in for a week now, and everything is exploding. I just bit my knuckles to the point of bleeding about an hour ago. I really didn’t realize that I had been doing it until I looked at my hand and I saw blood., I am feeling so alone right now. I feel like such a failure. At everything. Nothing I do seems to be right everyone is constantly angry or annoyed t me. Even the woman I work for was frustrated with me today. I had accidentally combined her dead mother’s clothes with her clothes, and she freaked out at me. How was I supposed to know she didn’t tell me not to when I was cleaning her room? I feel so unappreciated by almost everyone in my life. I am being treated like a child at home. I am constantly upset. I have been trying to tell people for a bout a week that I have not been doing well. I even wrote a poem that was trying to let people know what was going on. The one about dancing on broken glass. I don’t know how else to tell anyone. I feel that if I tell someone they will dismiss me or get mad at me. It is the pattern with everyone these days. I am so overly sensitive right now. nI will find myself doing something and have no idea what I am doing. Or when I started. I cant remember what I said 3 minutes before. I constantly want tot cry. Every one around me is falling apart, and those who aren’t seem to be bound and determined to make me feel bad. I don’t know if this is the way ht I ma perceiving things, or if its true. I am just SOOO not ok right now. I feel like telling people will burden them. I actually told someone today and I felt so invalidated. I want to scream right now. They got frustrated at me because I didn’t tell them sooner. I feel that I needed condolence for telling someone rather then criticism and frustration. Icky I just came back form the bathroom from throwing up because I am feeling so upset. It has been so long since I have involuntarily thrown up because I was upset. I haven’t slept well for I don’t know how long. Then my parents go and decide that I don’t need more sleep when I hardly have any, and they wake me up. Ever since my panic attacks the umass library I have been in another round of fitful nightmares. I feel so lost. I cant see my girlfriend because my parents think she is a ‘bad influence’ and they don’t want to ‘condone an unhealthy relationship’. Why do they have to be so fucking judgmental. It is just not fair. I don’t judge their relationship. What is so unhealthy about me wanting to see my love? I love her so much and I haven’t been able to see her in something like 3 weeks. Then I get upset with my mom for attacking my relationship that she tells me to shut up. Yes, she told me to shut up. That I was being immature and that I needed to grow up and take some responsibility for my life. What the hell. I am trying so hard to please everyone and be a good person, but no one is seeing my efforts. The only way that I can handle these emotions right now is to think of myself as a slave and tell myself that I deserve what people give me. And now the scary thing is that I am starting believe that I am just a major fuck up who cant do anything right or make anyone happy anymore. I feel so unlovable right now. All I want to be is held by my girlfriend and hear her tell me that she loves me. I want to hear form someone that I am an ok person and these things will get better.