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Tye

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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2005|06:58 pm]
Tye
Drive
"If you want this
if you want this
if you want this, you’re gonna have to ask
nicely please
yeah if you want this
you’re gonna have to ask me
you’re gonna have to ask me

Whatever you want
I’ll give it to you
I’ll give it to you slowly
‘till you’re just begging me to hold you
ya whatever you want
whatever you want
but you’re gonna have to ask me

Your mouth waters
stretched out on my bed
your fingers are trembling
and your heart is heavy and red
and your head is bent back
and your back is arched
my hand is under there
holding you up

I’ll hold you up
and drive you all night
I’ll hold you up
and drive you baby ‘till you feel the daylight
I’ll hold you up
and drive you all night
I’ll hold you up
and drive you ‘till you feel the daylight
that’s right
that’s right

In the kitchen
in the shower
and in the back seat of my car
I’ll hold you up
in your office
preferably during business hours
‘cause you know how I like it when there’s people around
and I know how you like it
yeah I know how you like it
I know how you like it when I tease you for hours

Your mouth waters
stretched out on my bed
your fingers are trembling
and your heart is heavy and red
and your head is bent back
and your back is arched
and my hand is under there
holding you up

I’ll hold you up
and drive you all night
I’ll hold you up
and drive you baby ‘till you feel the daylight
I’ll hold you up
and drive you all night
I’ll hold you up
and drive you ‘till you feel the daylight
oh and this has just begun

Yeah this has just begun
because we haven’t even gotten started yet
I haven’t even
I haven’t even tied you up
I haven’t even turned you over
this is where I want to live
right here between your hips
where all the love you hold and hide
it’s where it lives
right here between your hips
this is where I want to live
it’s where all the love you give exists

Your mouth waters
stretched out on my bed
your fingers are trembling
and your heart is heavy and red
your head is bent back
your back is arched
my hand is under there
holding you up

I’ll hold you up
and drive you all night
I’ll hold you up
and drive you baby ‘till you feel the daylight
I’ll hold you up
and drive you all night
I’ll hold you up
and drive you baby ‘’till you feel the daylight
that’s right
yeah
that’s right
that’s right
that’s right
I’ll hold you up
that’s right
that’s right
I’ll drive you all night"
~Melissa Ferrick
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(no subject) [Jul. 4th, 2005|10:42 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |excitedexcited]
[Current Music |The Peas]

As a baby I was baptized Catholic. Soon my spiritual path diverted itself, if at the age of 1 a person could have a spiritual identity. After I was adopted at the age of 5, I entered into a congregational church. The atmosphere of the church did not meet my parents spiritual needs.

My parents being fairly alternative in their beliefs, decided to be part of a spiritual alternative group called Seekers and Sojourners, that they, along with friends founded. The building that they chose to have the group was something that intrigued a young child, me. Though I was young I was able to absorb some of the groups morals. My family is very musically oriented. In this musical environment I was able to be involved as a small child. I retained some basic principles that has become an important staple in who I am and my spiritual life today.

Non-violence and acceptance of everyone was ingrained in me as soon as I came to live with my family. Being part of a socially alternative family was a major contributor to me for learning that equality and non-violence were essential in life. Being part of a family with two wonderful women gave me a perspective that in a traditional household I would probably not have obtained.

Through Seekers and Sojourners I came to my first spiritual awakening. I remember going to an ash grove and with the rest of the group dispersed and went to meditate. Here I was introduced to my first Buddhist experience. I have never really prayed in the traditional Christian way. I don’t think that I have ever been what one would call defined in my spiritual journey.

Seeker and sojourners sadly separated after several years. For a while I don’t remember being part of any spiritual environment. That remained true until we went to another Congregational church that my family has participated in steadily ever since.

I used to attend this church ever Sunday, until I found a weekend job. During the time that I had attended this church, I found my spiritual path needed to be obtained by different means. Though I learned a lot through the Bible teachings and Christian song, never really identified with the ‘Christian way’. I’ve always enjoyed the teaching in the Bible, but I have never really come to identify my place in its pages.

I recently felt as though I was falling off the face of the earth. I found my self dealing with self absorption and self-destruction. I have become lost in my spiritual identify. If I were to label myself I would be a syncretist. Though I still have my basic spiritual principles learned from my childhood, my faith has become weak. At the moment I am on quest to find my spiritual identity. In this time self-discovery and self-healing I am open to finding my faith and my place in spirituality.
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(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2005|02:38 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |stressedstressed]
[Current Music |I hope you dance]

Ribbons of blood
Beads of tears
She writes her fears
on the souls of her feet
She writes with a razor

To all of my friends and reletives,

I am making a commitment that I will no longer hurt myslef. I will also work on staying sober by going to AA meetings, becasue I am alcoholic. I will use my friends and family as resourses, as well as ES. I hate who I have become, and now it is time for me to be renoud. I am going to work my hardest to create a peron who I am proud of. I love you all.

Leather and lace
Ohm
Tye
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(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2005|02:02 pm]
Tye
To my beloved friends, I am no longer being called Erika. I am now Tye. Please do your best to remeber that. I am taking a break with my livejournal for a while. There has been alot of reprecussons from it that I dont want.
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(no subject) [Jun. 13th, 2005|02:23 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |Lathargic]
[Current Music |black eyed peas]

My uncle Gerry hit o me. It was about 3am and we were drinking heavily. I don’t think that I have ever been so drunk in my life. I think I had about 17 beers. BEER!!!! I don’t even drink beer normally. I was downing beers like it was water. I would drink them without taking a breath. I was impressed about how fast I could slam them back. Ok a little tip for everyone, slamming back booze makes you very drunk very fast. Any way, I was so drunk that the world was spinning. Me and Gerry were both shitfaced. I lay on the ground because I was dizzy. And next thing I knew Uncle Gerry was spooning with me and saying that I was a dyke because I have never fully experienced a man. I felt his erection on my backside and I was so drunk there was nothing I could do. He was grinding against me and saying stuff like ‘don’t you want my cock deep inside of you’. I was so drunk that all I could do was say no, stop. He stopped after a while, but I was so worried that he wouldn’t.

Ok just a note: perkiset, alcohol and pot don’t mix when taken together.

Heidi is still in the hospital. I am out of respite, and I am still so destructive. I want to be somewhere safe. I am feeling a little safer, and I am going to do the partial hospitalization program. That will be really good. I am excited about that. Anyway, have you ever know someone is a soul mate of yours and you know that you cant be with them…let me tell you it hurts. It is killing me.

Graduation was good. I wore my wig and it was fun I had a good time. I got to smack wataru. Yeah. I am no longer in high school. WEEEE!

Susan thinks the state failed me by putting me in home with two moms. She says that doing so threw another issue into the mix, and made thing more difficult for me, and messed me up more then I already was. The thing that I think she is missing is that they are the best thing that ever happened to me. They have been there for me when others would have turned their backs on me. They are amazing and I owe who I am to them.

I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I hear voices that are not my own. Not to sound psychotic. I talked to my therapist and My physiatrist and they both said that it was just me experiencing my thought differently then I every have before. I hear word and phrases in my head that are from another source then my own thoughts. I hear a hissing voice mainly telling me how bad I am. Also I hear this soft crying voice as well pleading for me to rethink my choices. Whatever that means.
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(no subject) [Jun. 7th, 2005|02:50 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |draineddrained]
[Current Music |Black Eyed Peas]

I am tired of feeling this way. For a while now all I can think about is hurting or killing myself. It feels to me that no one seems to understand what I am feeling. I am at respite right now and I think that I need something more. I hid razors so that I could kill myself if I needed to. I eventually handed them in, but I really didn’t want to. I want to get better I want to believe that these feelings are just feelings and that they will go away.

I see myself as a failure in life. I can’t seem to do anything right. I lost my major relationship and feel that I will never be able to open up to someone like that again. I feel destined to be alone. My best friend is getting into a new relationship and I am jealous. Not that she is getting into a relationship; it is that now I don’t have her affection. Blech.

I did a silly thing and tried to call Heidi today. She was in a meeting when I called. I kind of am thankful for that because I was really worried about her reaction of me calling. I left a message, and I hope that she calls me. All I want to do is to hear her voice. Is that pathetic? Why the hell did I have to fall in love in the first place? Things are so much less complicated!!!

I am going to try and commit myself to getting better. If I do I will be able to get a job in Nicaragua for a year starting in September. Nicaragua changed my life drastically and I think that it could do good things for me again. I will remove myself from this environment and bring myself to one that I know is wonderful. But I have to get better first.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS/IS SUPPORTING ME. I APPREIATE IT MORE THEN ANYONE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!
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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2005|10:46 am]
Tye
[Current Mood |despair]
[Current Music |Tori Amos]

I never thought that i could feel so heartbroken. I am in so much pain that I cant even fathem. I cant even explain what I am feeling. It feels as though someone has tied me up cut my heart out with a dull butterknife, pureed it like tapnad and fed back to me, and being expected not to choke on it.

I broke up with Heidi. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. People might think that it sounds dramatic but it is true. I cant even express what it was like to sit there at the hospital and try to explain to her why we couldnt be togather. i have never broken up with someone before heidi and I hope to never again. The way that your mouth goes dry and your eyes dont see srait, where your heart speeds up to 200 bpm, the will that you have to use not to let the person see you cry.

The day taht I came back from the hospital, I didnt know what I was doing. I couldnt stop myslef. My feet were pedleing my kbike and i had no clue where they were taking me. i saw myslef buy a razor, and i put it in my pocket. i walk ed along the railraod tracks feeling lost and not knowing where I was. I then found some frineds from divas on the tracks and we all sat and had irish beer togather. It was a dream. When we departed I had had 3 beers and was still almost dissocaitive if you could call it that. i cut my wrist very badly. I cut it the long way, and hit an artry and I partially severed a tenden. (if it doesnt heal in 10 days I have to have surgery). I went to es and they called an ambulance. Patric one of the assholes who works there, just looked at me and said 'this is getting old' Come on you dont say that to someone when they are bleeding and have naught a clue what to say or do, or even how to exist. I went in the amblulace with two woman wh oi had met beofre. We had had a long converstaion at starbucks about the test for the emt and medic and stuff of the sort. i was embarressed but they were the only people who treated me with respect through the process. They sent me to respite. I am not sure if I can keep myself safe.

Lately I cant seem to live without drama. If it is not the drama of myslef it is the drama of my friends or something else entirly.

Let me scream till i cant take another breath
Let me cry until i cant shed another tear
Let me cut till I cant bleed another drop
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(no subject) [Jun. 3rd, 2005|05:12 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |worried and anxious]
[Current Music |one tin soldier]

I feel like my life is falling apart. I have cut my slef, bit my knuckels and overdosed all in a period of a week. i majorly relapsed. my car is totaled and i am unsure if I am able to graduate because My teacher hasnt gotten in contact with me. weds nght at divas heidi and I were drunk. We had a fight and she pushed me and threw a beer bottle at me. I cant tolarate that. I felt so bad and unworth of being alive that i tried to kill myslef. i to 2g of trazadone. I was unconious for about 3 hours. My parents filed a report with the police and i am wondering what is going to happen with that. i am the one who has to press charges and am not going to. Yeah she did what she did. I didnt get hurt I dont even have a visible bruise from the bottle. But it is not ok to be violent with me. I told her las ttime this kind of thing happened that if it happened again we couldnt be togather, I would get out of the relationship an not look back. Of course i will llok back. i am feeling like I am dying from the idea that I am not going to be with heidi anymore. i hope that she understands. I am having a hard time going thorught with it...i hope that I can. everybodys mad at me, and i cant do anything right, and now is not the time to break up with the love of my life. I love that woman more then I have loved anyone in my life. I am not going to do it tonight. I am going to vist her at the hospital and then the next time I see her I will. Am I doing the right thing? What is the right thing? If I am doing the right thing how come it feels so wrong?
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(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2005|01:58 pm]
Tye
[Current Mood |Panicky and upset]
[Current Music |The sound of my puking]

Oh my god I am freaking out. I have been holding things in for a week now, and everything is exploding. I just bit my knuckles to the point of bleeding about an hour ago. I really didn’t realize that I had been doing it until I looked at my hand and I saw blood., I am feeling so alone right now. I feel like such a failure. At everything. Nothing I do seems to be right everyone is constantly angry or annoyed t me. Even the woman I work for was frustrated with me today. I had accidentally combined her dead mother’s clothes with her clothes, and she freaked out at me. How was I supposed to know she didn’t tell me not to when I was cleaning her room? I feel so unappreciated by almost everyone in my life. I am being treated like a child at home. I am constantly upset. I have been trying to tell people for a bout a week that I have not been doing well. I even wrote a poem that was trying to let people know what was going on. The one about dancing on broken glass. I don’t know how else to tell anyone. I feel that if I tell someone they will dismiss me or get mad at me. It is the pattern with everyone these days. I am so overly sensitive right now. nI will find myself doing something and have no idea what I am doing. Or when I started. I cant remember what I said 3 minutes before. I constantly want tot cry. Every one around me is falling apart, and those who aren’t seem to be bound and determined to make me feel bad. I don’t know if this is the way ht I ma perceiving things, or if its true. I am just SOOO not ok right now. I feel like telling people will burden them. I actually told someone today and I felt so invalidated. I want to scream right now. They got frustrated at me because I didn’t tell them sooner. I feel that I needed condolence for telling someone rather then criticism and frustration. Icky I just came back form the bathroom from throwing up because I am feeling so upset. It has been so long since I have involuntarily thrown up because I was upset. I haven’t slept well for I don’t know how long. Then my parents go and decide that I don’t need more sleep when I hardly have any, and they wake me up. Ever since my panic attacks the umass library I have been in another round of fitful nightmares. I feel so lost. I cant see my girlfriend because my parents think she is a ‘bad influence’ and they don’t want to ‘condone an unhealthy relationship’. Why do they have to be so fucking judgmental. It is just not fair. I don’t judge their relationship. What is so unhealthy about me wanting to see my love? I love her so much and I haven’t been able to see her in something like 3 weeks. Then I get upset with my mom for attacking my relationship that she tells me to shut up. Yes, she told me to shut up. That I was being immature and that I needed to grow up and take some responsibility for my life. What the hell. I am trying so hard to please everyone and be a good person, but no one is seeing my efforts. The only way that I can handle these emotions right now is to think of myself as a slave and tell myself that I deserve what people give me. And now the scary thing is that I am starting believe that I am just a major fuck up who cant do anything right or make anyone happy anymore. I feel so unlovable right now. All I want to be is held by my girlfriend and hear her tell me that she loves me. I want to hear form someone that I am an ok person and these things will get better.
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(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2005|12:18 am]
Tye
[Current Mood |Hurt, Overwhelmed, Frustrated]
[Current Music |Mozart Requiem Mass]

I just saw an amazing motzart concert. We heard the Requiem Mass. it was so amaizng. i love going to concerts to listen to musci more then i like cds. YOu can get so much more into the music, and it is so much more intense. There is such an energy about concerts that i dont get from anything else. Question for someone. DOes anyone (Mainly someone who is catholic and goes to mass) know how much of the Requiem is from the mass and how much is for the music? (The only person who is catholic I know of who reads my journal is Chrissy...she doesnt go to mass... Chrissy...do you know?) I am definatly going to start to see concerts agian. I just wish that they just werent so expensive!

I am getting very upset about conversations with Heidi. I just can never seem to say anyhting right anymore. i so desperatly want to have her know how much I love her. I try to be mindful of what I say but apparently I tend to repeat myslef and repeat questions. Though I try so hard not to, itis frustrating becasue I am not knowing when i am repeating myslef. It is not like i am not listening, because I will know the answer when she says it, but I will have forgotten taht I already know the information that I ask for. I recently got off the phone with her and started to tear up becasue I am so upest and frustrated. She is so unhappy and i cant seem to help. I seem to make things worse. I pride mylsef in helping people feel better, or distracting them, but it just seems futile with Heidi. I so deperatly want to hear her smile when I call. I so deperatly want to know that she likes to hear form me. i dont want to be wasting my energy if i know it isnt appreiciated. Is it her being upset and taking things out on me, is it me not relizing and remembering what I have said or not said. WHat is it? I would love to know. I HATE the way our converations go, and isnt lack of trying. She says that i ma trying too hard. But what am I sopposed to do when the woman that I love more than anything is so unahppy. Am I really so much of a failure at being a grilfriend? *Beats head against brick wall*

I rode my bike again today, and again my shoulder hurts so much. It has been 7 months since I broke it and WHY isnt it better yet. ERRGG. Who would know that falling off a curb would have repercussions 7 months later. Yes ok, you can laugh at me....I fell off a curb.
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